Короткие смешные истории в переводе с английского (автор Джером К. Джером). Юмористический рассказ на английском
Забавные короткие истории на английском языке
The child and his mother
A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”
Перевод:
Ребенок и его мать
Любопытный ребенок спрашивает свою маму: «Мамочка, почему некоторые волосы у тебя на голове становятся серыми?»
Мать попыталась воспользоваться ситуацией и дать урок своему чаду: «Это все из-за тебя, дорогой. Каждый твой плохой поступок делает один мой волосок седым!»
Ребенок невинно ответил: «Теперь я знаю, почему у бабушки на голове только седые волосы».
Wrong email address
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Перевод:
Неправильный e-mail
Пара отправляется в отпуск, но жена едет с деловой целью, поэтому муж первым приехал на место, а жена встретила его на следующий день.
Когда он добрался до отеля, то решил оправить жене быстрое элетронное письмо.
К сожалению, когда он набирал ее адрес, он пропустил букву, и его письмо ушло вместо его жены к пожилой жене священника, муж которой скончался как раз день назад.
Когда скорбящая вдова проверяла электронную почту, она взглянула один раз на монитор, издала крик ужаса и упала на пол в глубоком обмороке.
Услышав этот звук, родственники бросились к ней в комнату и увидели записку на экране:
Дорогая жена,Только что разместился. Все готово для твоего завтрашнего прибытия.
П. С.: Здесь жарко.
Will’s experience at the airport
After his return from Rome, Will couldn’t find his luggage in the airport baggage area. He went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn’t shown up on the carousel.
She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.
Then she asked Will, “Has your plane arrived yet?”
Перевод:
Случай с Уиллом в аэропорту
После возвращения из Рима Уилл не мог найти свой багаж в багажном отделении аэропорта. Он пошел в бюро находок и сказал женщине, работающей там, что его сумки так и не появились на карусели.
Она улыбнулась и сказала ему, чтобы он не беспокоился, потому что у них работают профессионалы, и он в надежных руках.
Потом она спросила: «Ваш самолет уже прилетел?»
Clever kids
A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.
One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.
A 10 years old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “Radar Trap Ahead.”
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.
Перевод:
Умные детки
Офицер полиции нашел идеальное скрытое место для наблюдения за автомобилистами, превышающими скорость.
Однажды офицера поразил тот факт, что все автомобилисты ехали на скорости, ниже установленного лимита. Он провел расследование и выявил проблему.
Десятилетний мальчик стоял на обочине с большой табличкой в руках, на которой было написано: «Впереди ловушка для автолихачей».
Дальнейшая исследовательская работа привела офицера к соучастнику мальчика: он увидел еще одного паренька, стоявшего в 100 ярдах позади полицейского с радаром, рядом была табличка с надписью «Чаевые» и ведро у его ног, заполненное мелочью.
Mouthology
A Professor was traveling by boat. On his way he asked the sailor:
“Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography, physiology?
The sailor said no to all his questions.
Professor: What the hell do you know on earth. You will die of illiteracy.
After a while the boat started sinking. The Sailor asked the Professor, do you know swiminology & escapology from sharkology?
The professor said no.
Sailor: “Well, sharkology & crocodilogy will eat your assology, headology & you will dieology because of your mouthology.
Перевод:
Болтология
Профессор путешествовал на лодке. Во время пути он спросил моряка:
«Вы знаете биологию, экологию, зоологию, географию, психологию?»
Моряк отвечал «Нет» на все его вопросы.
Профессор: Что тогда вы вообще знаете? Вы же умрете от неграмотности.
Через какое-то время лодка начала тонуть. Моряк спросил профессора, знает ли плавалогию, спасениелогию и акулологию.
Профессор сказал нет.
Моряк: «Ну, тогда акулология и крокодилология съест вашу задологию, головологию, и вы умрете от болтологии».
Captain
A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.
The captain was asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”
The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and aren’s discouraged.” They fight off the pirates eventually.
The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, “Get me my brown pants!”
Перевод:
Капитан
Капитан военно-морского флота предупредил своего первого помощника о том, что к ним направляется пиратский корабль. Он попросил матроса достать ему красную футболку.
Капитана спросили: «Зачем вам красная футболка?»
Капитан ответил: «Когда я буду истекать кровью, вы, ребята, этого не заметите и не будете бояться».
В конце концов они победили пиратов.
На следующий же день капитан объявил тревогу о том, что 50 пиратских кораблей приближаются к их лодке. Он закричал: «Принесите мне мои коричневые штаны!»
Elephant
The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”. One boy says, “Elephant.”
Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.”
The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with “M”.
The boy shouts from the other side of the wall: “Maybe an elephant!”
Перевод:
Слон
Учительница просит учеников назвать животное, начинающееся с «E». Один мальчик сказал «Elephant» (слон).
Затем учительница попросила назвать животное, начинающееся с буквы «T». Тот же самый мальчик сказал: «Two elephants» (два слона).
Учительница выгнала мальчика из класса за плохое поведение. После этого она попросила назвать животное, начинающееся на «M».
Мальчик крикнул по ту сторону стены: «Maybe an elephant!» (Может быть, слон).
english-bird.ru
Юмористические рассказы на английском языке
Doctor: Could you pay for an operation if I thought that it was necessary?
Patient: Would you think the operation was necessary if I couldn't pay for it?
* * *
Teacher: Tom, your homework, in which you wrote about a cat, is very much like your brother's story. How is that?
Tom: Nothing strange about that, we have only one cat at home.
* * *
Little Girl: Mother, my cat can talk.
Mother: Really?
Little Girl: I ask her what is two minus two and she says nothing.
* * *
Mother: What are you jumping up and down for, Paul?
Paul: I took my medicine and forgot to shake the bottle.
* * *
Hello! Is that Ted Wells?
Yes. Who is speaking?
Sam.
Who? I don't hear.
I say Sam: Sid, Ada, Mary. Do you hear?
Yes, I do. But which of you three is speaking now?
* * *
Mother: You are seven today. Happy birthday to you, Tommy.
Tommy: Thank you, Mummy.
Mother: Do you like to have a cake with seven candles on it for your birthday party?
Tommy: I think I better have seven cakes and one candle, Mummy.
* * *
Tourist: Excuse me, but does this bus stop at Tenth Street?
Passenger: Yes. Watch me and get of one station before I do.
Tourist: Thank you.
* * *
Are you still looking for your dog, Bill?
Yes.
Why don't you put an advertisement in the paper?
What's the use! The dog can't read.
* * *
The waitress brought the soup to everyone in the dining-room of a small hotel. Mr. Smith got the last plate, and the waitress stayed for a moment beside his table; she was looking out of the window.
“It looks like rain,” she said.
“Yes,” said Mr. Smith (he had tasted the soup), “and it tastes like rain too.”
***
Mr. Gray was on holiday by the sea. He was staying in a small hotel but it was not о good hotel. The meals were very small. One day he sat down to dinner. His plate looked wet. He held it up to the waiter and said, “This plate is wet. Please bring me another.” “That's your soup, sir,” replied the waiter.
***
At last the visitor had to say something about food.
“I don't like this pie, Mrs. Fiddles,” he said. “Oh, don't you?” said the angry landlady. “I was making pies before you were born.” “Perhaps this is one of them.”
***
“I'm doing very well in my driving lessons,” Betty said. “Yesterday I went 50 miles per hour. Tomorrow I'm going to try to open my eyes when I pass another car.”
***
The policeman stopped a woman driver for going too fast.
“When I saw you coming round that corner, I said to myself, “At least 45” the officer told her.
“Well,” was the answer. “I always look older in this hat.”
***
“Why were you driving too fast, madam?” the policeman asked.
“My breaks aren't very good”, she answered, “and I was hurrying home before I had an accident
***
A gentleman was sitting quietly in a first-class compartment. Two ladies got in. One of them saw that the window was open, and she shut it
before sitting down.
“Open it again,” said the second lady. “I'll die of suffocation if there is no fresh air.”
“I won't open it,” said the first lady. “I'll die of cold if the window is open.”
A quarrel started, and it continued until the gentleman-spoke:
“Let's have the window shut until this lady has died of suffocation, and then we can have it open until this lady has died of cold. After that it will be nice and quiet in here again.”
***
The young doctor had just finished his training. He didn't know what the patient's illness was.
“Have you had this before?” he asked.
“Yes, doctor.”
“Oh! Well! You've got it again.”
* * *
John Smith couldn't sleep, so his doctor gave him some sleeping pills. He took a pill that night.
He felt well when he woke up, and he went to work cheerfully.
“I slept very well last night,” he told his boss.
“That's good,” his boss said. “But where were you yesterday?”
***
“My boyfriend is wonderful,” said Helen. “He is rather nice, I must say,” said Kate. “He tells everyone that he is going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world,” said Helen.
“I am so sorry,” said Kate. “Perhaps he will change his mind and marry you after all.”
***
When a girl shows a ring and says that she is going to be married, it is usual to ask: “Who's the lucky man?” It's a silly question because everybody knows that the lucky man is her father.
***
“I love you so much! Do you think you could live on my salary?”
“Of course I could. But what would you live on?”
***
Mr. Brown finished his breakfast. Then he asked the waiter to bring the manager of the hotel.
"Yes, sir, what can I do for you?" said the manager when he arrived.
"You must have a very clean kitchen here," said Mr. Brown.
"That is very kind of you to say so, sir,” said the manager. "But what makes you think we have a very clean kitchen?"
"Well," replied Mr. Brown, "everything tastes of soap."
***
'What's the meaning of this fly in my
soup?"
"I don't know, sir. I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller."
***
A man was just finishing his lunch in a restaurant. The waitress asked if he would like coffee.
"Yes, please," he replied.
The waitress went away but came back quickly and asked, "With cream or without, sir?"
"Without cream," he replied.
Then, after a much longer wait, the waitress returned. "I'm very sorry," she said. "There is no more cream. Will you have it without milk?"
***
Little Tommy liked to ask questions. One day he asked his father one more question. His father did not know the answer. "Don't ask me so many questions," he said. "You have already asked me nearly a hundred questions today. I didn't ask my father half as many questions."
"Well, Daddy, perhaps you would know more of the answers to my questions if you had asked more," said Tommy.
***
Mr. and Mrs. White had a very good table in their dining-room. It was made of the best wood. When Mr. and Mrs. Brown visited the Whites, little Tommy White was hammering nail after nail into the costly table.
"Isn't that a rather expensive game?" Mr. Brown asked.
"Oh, no," Mr. White answered. 'I get the nails at the shop on the corner. They are really quite cheap."
***
Billy didn't ask for a cake. He reached past the lady visitor and took one.
"Billy!" said his mother sharply. "Haven't you got a tongue?"
'Yes, Mum," Billy replied. "But it won't reach as far as the cakes."
SHORT STORIES
How Many Were There?
The police in a big city were looking for a robber. One day they caught him and took him to prison. But while they were taking photographs of him — from the front, from the left, from the right, with a hat, without a hat — he suddenly attacked the policeman and ran away.
Then a week later the telephone rang in the police-station, and somebody said, “You’re looking for Bill Cross, aren’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Well, he left here for Waterbridge an hour ago.”
Waterbridge was a small town 100 miles from the city. The city police immediately sent four different photographs of the robber to the police in Waterbridge. Less than twelve hours later they got a telephone call from the police in Waterbridge. “We have caught three of the men,” they said happily, “and we hope to catch the fourth this evening.”
The Sea on Strike
Many years ago, a London theatre performed a play with a terrible storm at sea in one of the scenes. The waves were made by some boys who jumped up and down under a large piece of green cloth. Each boy received a shilling a night for his work.
The play was very popular and the hall was usually full. But the director of the theatre wanted to make still more money from the performances, and he decided to lower the boys' pay from a shilling to sixpence. This made the boys angry, and they decided to go on strike for a shilling a night.
During the next performance, when the storm began, there was enough loud noise on the stage, but the sea was absolutely calm, not one wave could be seen. The theatre director immediately ran behind the stage, raised a corner of the green cloth and shouted, “Waves! Waves! Why aren't you making waves?!” One of the boys sitting under the cloth asked him, “Do you want sixpenny waves or shilling waves?"
“All right, all right!" the director said. “I'll give you a shilling, only give me the waves!”
Tremendous waves immediately began to appear on the sea, and everybody agreed that they had never seen a better storm in the theatre.
An Anecdote About Mark Twain
One of Mark Twain's hobbies was fishing, and he used to go fishing even in the closed season when fishing was not allowed. Like many fishermen, he sometimes invented stories about the number of fish he caught.
One day during the closed season, Mark Twain sat fishing under a little bridge. A man crossing the bridge saw him fishing there. The man stood watching Mark Twain fishing, and then he asked, “Have you caught many fish?"
“Not yet,” Mark Twain answered. “I've only just begun. But yesterday I caught thirty big fish here.”
“That's very interesting,” the man said. “Do you know who I am?"
“No,” Mark Twain said. “I don't think I ever saw you before."
“I'm the fishing inspector for this district," the man said.
"And do you know who I am?” Mark Twain asked quickly.
“No, of course not,” said the inspector.
"I am the biggest liar on the Mississippi,” Mark Twain told him.
Tea Leaves
There was a time when drinking tea was almost unknown in European countries; many people had never even heard of tea. This anecdote is about an old woman and her son, who lived at that time.
The woman's son was a sailor, and every time he returned from a far-away country, he brought his mother a gift. Naturally, he tried to bring something unusual that she could show to her friends.
Once, the young man came back from India with a box of tea for his mother. She didn't know anything about tea, but she liked the smell, and invited all her friends to come and taste it. When her son came into the room, he saw cakes and fruit and sweets on the table, and a big plate filled with tea-leaves. His mother and her friends were sitting round the table, eating the leaves with butter and salt. Though they all smiled, it was clear that they didn't enjoy eating the leaves.
“Where is tea, Mother?” the sailor asked.
His mother pointed to the plate in the middle of the table.
“No, no, that is only the leaves of the tea,” the sailor said. “Where is the water?”
“The water!” his mother said. “I threw the water away, of course! out of the set!” He smiled to himself, lit his pipe and began reading his favourite book
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Смешные истории на английском для взрослых и детей
Read online two short stories by Jerome K. Jerome to enjoy English humour. These are the shortest and the funniest stories in the original.
- Jerome K. Jerome. We declined to drink the river ( in the original)
- Jerome K. Jerome. A Peaceful Dog ( in the original)
Jerome K. Jerome is best known for his two sequels: «Three men in a boat» & «Three men on the bummel». You will find his humorous and best stories by other English writers on the website englishstory.ru.
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Опубликовано в рубрике Jerome K. Jerome / Джером К. Джером, Книги на английском языке в оригинале (in the original), Смешные истории |
Забавная история про кота, который боялся мышей, на английском языке (уровень для начинающих) из цикла «Английский для детей» называется «TIMOTHY IS AFRAID OF A MOUSE». Слова для изучения выделены в тексте жирным шрифтом. Автор этой истории Джейн Тейлор. Читайте ее онлайн прямо сейчас. А вот замечательная книга «Смешные истории» из серии «Английский клуб», где вы найдете еще много таких историй.
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Опубликовано в рубрике Смешные истории |
Хотите прочитать своему ребенку 25 смешных историй на английском языке замечательной детской писательницы Джейн Тэйер? Истории добрые и смешные. Текст каждой истории снабжен комментарием, а также упражнениями. Текст относится к уровню для начинающих (beginners). Для начала предлагаю ознакомиться c отрывками из 10 первых историй, публикация которых продолжится немного позже. Желающие могут пока приобрести книгу. А первую историю про кота Тимофея можно прочитать прямо сейчас на нашем сайте.
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Опубликовано в рубрике Fairy Tales / Сказки на английском языке, Книги для начинающих (beginners), Смешные истории |
Джером Клапка Джером — известный английский писатель, смешные истории которого, наверное, знают все. Эти истории вошли в сборники «Трое в лодке, не считая собаки» и «Трое на четырех колесах». На этой страничке вы найдете две короткие смешные истории в переводе с английского. Изучающим английский язык предлагаю прочитать эти истории на английском языке в оригинале или в адаптированном варианте. Всем удачи!
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Опубликовано в рубрике Jerome K. Jerome / Джером К. Джером, Смешные истории |
If you understand English humour, this short story by Jerome K. Jerome gives you real pleasure. It is from the collection of stories «Three men in a boat to say nothing of the dog». The gist of the story is rendered by the proverb: «What the eye does not see, the stomach does not grieve over. »
So, read the short story «We decline to drink the river» (adapted for the intermediate level) and improve your English as well. For Russian people there is a list of words to understand. Come on!
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Опубликовано в рубрике Jerome K. Jerome / Джером К. Джером, Смешные истории |Джером К. Джером. «Как мы покупали ботинки» из цикла «Смешные истории на английском языке»
Еще одна забавная история на английском языке из цикла «Смешные истории на английском языке» для вас! Эта история из сборникп английского писателя Джерома К. Джерома про трех путешественников, которая называется «Три человека на колесах» (Three men on the bummel). История адаптирована до уровня intermediate (средний). Читайте и получайте удовольствие от хорошего английского юмора.
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Опубликовано в рубрике Jerome K. Jerome / Джером К. Джером, Смешные истории |englishstory.ru
Короткие смешные истории в переводе с английского
Джером Клапка Джером — известный английский писатель, смешные истории которого, наверное, знают все. Эти истории вошли в сборники «Трое в лодке, не считая собаки» и «Трое на четырех колесах». На этой страничке вы найдете две короткие смешные истории в переводе с английского. Изучающим английский язык предлагаю прочитать эти истории на английском языке в оригинале или в адаптированном варианте. Всем удачи!
* * *
Джером К. Джером. Короткие смешные истории
из книги «Трое в лодке, не считая собаки» читать онлайн на русском языке
Джером К. Джером. История первая. Как мы отказались пить реку
Мы, Джордж, Харрис и я, плыли по реке, как вдруг обнаружили, что наши запасы питьевой воды закончились.
К счастью, мы были совсем близко от шлюза Хамблдон, где и остановились, взяли кувшин пошли к домику смотрителя.
Джордж, как всегда, был нашим представителем. Он улыбнулся, той самой улыбкой, которая была припасена у него для подобных случаев, и произнес, обращаясь к пожилому джентльмену: «Не могли бы Вы дать нам немного воды, пожалуйста?». Конечно, ответил тот: «Возьмите, сколько хотите, и оставьте остальное». «Спасибо»,- пробормотал Джордж, оглядываясь в поисках воды и не видя ее: «А где? Где вы ее держите?» «Да, все на том же месте, мой мальчик. Как раз за твоей спиной». «Но я ее не вижу»,- сказал Джордж и еще раз посмотрел вокруг. «Бог мой, где твои глаза?!» — воскликнул старик. Он бесцеремонно развернул Джорджа и указал на реку у него за спиной. «Там воды на всех хватит, не так ли!» «О!» — произнес Джордж в изумлении, когда до него наконец дошло, — «Но мы же не можем пить из реки, понимаете?»
«Ну, всю реку не выпьете, а немножко – можно!»- ответил старик, — «Это то, что я пью уже 15 лет». Улыбка исчезла с лица Джорджа. Он пробубнил, что внешний вид пожилого джентльмена не служит достаточно хорошей рекламой для этой воды, и он предпочел бы набрать воды из колонки.
Мы ушли и набрали воды в доме, немного выше по течению реки. Сказать по правде, это тоже была вода из реки, но нам об этом не сказали. Мы ее выпили и все было в порядке. Потому что, что глаза не видят, о том живот не беспокоится!
What the eye does not see, the stomach does not get upset over.
* * *
Джером К. Джером. История 2. Неожиданное появление собаки
Еще одна смешная история в переводе с английского. Читайте в оригинале A peaceful dog, in English)И все-таки речной воды нам пришлось попробовать еще раз, и вот как это случилось. Мы плыли вниз по течению и остановились, чтобы попить чайку в одной заводи недалеко от Винздора. Однако, оказалось, что наш кувшин был опять пуст и нам предстоял выбор: либо остаться совсем без чая, либо набрать воды в заводи. Харрис предложил рискнуть. Он сказал, что все будет в порядке, если вскипятить воду. Он сказал, что все бактерии, которые присутствуют в воде, погибают при кипячении. И мы согласились, опустили чайник прямо в Темзу и набрали воды. Затем мы ее вскипятили, причем очень внимательно следили, чтобы вода действительно хорошо прокипела.
Наконец, чай был готов и мы устроились поудобнее, чтобы насладится этим божественным напитком, как вдруг на лице Джорджа появилось какое-то странное выражение. «Что это такое?» — воскликнул он, после минутной паузы. «Где? Что такое?» — хором спросили Харрис и я. «Да вон!»- просипел Джордж и мотнул головой на запад.
Харрис и я посмотрели в ту сторону и увидели, что прямо по направлению к нам, медленно плывет собака. Это была самая безмятежная и самая миролюбивая собака из всех, каких я когда-либо видел. Я никогда не встречал собаки, более умиротворенной и более дружелюбной. Она мечтательно плыла на спине, а ее четыре лапы торчали из воды. Вообще-то, это был довольно крупный пес с хорошо развитой грудью. И он плыл спокойно, уверенно, с достоинством, поравнялся с нашей лодкой, и поплыл дальше.
Ну что казалось бы такого! Однако Джордж сказал, что ему расхотелось пить чай и решительно вылил его в реку. Харрис сказал, что ему тоже не хочется пить и последовал его примеру. Я посмотрел на свою полупустую чашку. Эх, зачем я так поторопился! Я спросил Джорджа, какова вероятность того, что я заболею тифом. В ответ Джордж авторитетно заявил, что у меня все шансы против одного и мой крепкий организм не допустит этой болезни. Во всяком случае, сказал он, через две недели это будет точно известно.
Читайте веселые рассказы английского писателя на русском языке
englishstory.ru
English Humour: Смешные истории на английском языке
Мы в Lingvistov часто говорим, что наша задача - это интересное изучение английского языка. Когда вас захватывает сам процесс и вы видите его смысл, то английский язык без сомнения учится быстро и безболезненно. Поэтому мы решили разнообразить повседневность, наполненную грамматикой и скучными учебными текстами, и предложить подборку анекдотов на английском языке! Смешные истории на английском языке помогут вам в развитии языковых навыков, пополнять ваш словарный запас и просто улучшат настроение. Woops Sorry About That
Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it. The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”* * *
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.Bad Date Joke
“Hi Sarah, listen I only have a minute. I’m about to get picked up for a blind date, can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad? Yes? Ok great! We’ll speak.” Raquel gave herself a quick spray of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror, and headed outside to wait for the guy. Sure enough after twenty minutes Raquel was discreetly checking her watch. After ten more long minutes her phone finally buzzed. Raquel listened for a few seconds, grimly pursed her lips, and turned to her date, “I feel terrible, but my Grandmother is terribly sick, and I must go home now .” “No problem!” Said her date with a big grin, “in a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over!”The child and his mother
A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”Homework
PUPIL – “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”
TEACHER – “Of course not.”
PUPIL – “Good, because I haven`t done my homework.”
* * *
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
* * *
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
* * *
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.Math, Physics, & Philosophy
Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."
Mental Patient
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all." David replied, "Doctor, John didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."
News Stand
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!”
School Question
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
Jealous Blond
A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..." The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"
Plain English
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Doctor
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not insult you by offering payment. But I would like you to know that I have mentioned you in my will."
"That is ver kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
Sources:
www.lingvistov.ru
Читать книгу 33 лучших юмористических рассказа на английском / 33 Best Humorous Short Stories Коллектива авторов : онлайн чтение
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33 лучших юмористических рассказа на английском = 33 Best Humorous Short Stories
© Поповец М. А., составление комментариев, 2015
© ООО «Издательство «Эксмо», 2015
John Kendrick Bangs
A Psychical Prank
IWillis had met Miss Hollister but once, and that, for a certain purpose, was sufficient. He was smitten. She represented in every way his ideal, although until he had met her his ideal had been something radically different. She was not at all Junoesque, and the maiden of his dreams had been decidedly so. She had auburn hair, which hitherto Willis had detested. Indeed, if the same hirsute wealth had adorned some other woman’s head, Willis would have called it red. This shows how completely he was smitten. She changed his point of view entirely. She shattered his old ideal and set herself up in its stead, and she did most of it with a smile.
There was something, however, about Miss Hollister’s eyes that contributed to the smiting of Willis’s heart. They were great round lustrous orbs, and deep. So deep were they and so penetrating that Willis’s affections were away beyond their own depth the moment Miss Hollister’s eyes looked into his, and at the same time he had a dim and slightly uncomfortable notion that she could read every thought his mind held within its folds—or rather, that she could see how utterly devoid of thought that mind was upon this ecstatic occasion, for Willis’s brain was set all agog by the sensations of the moment.
‘By Jove!’ he said to himself afterwards – for Willis, wise man that he could be on occasions, was his own confidant, to the exclusion of all others – ‘by Jove! I believe she can peer into my very soul; and if she can, my hopes are blasted, for she must be able to see that a soul like mine is no more worthy to become the affinity of one like hers than a mountain rill can hope to rival the Amazon.’
Nevertheless, Willis did hope.
‘Something may turn up, and perhaps – perhaps I can devise some scheme by means of which my imperfections can be hidden from her. Maybe I can put stained glass over the windows of my soul, and keep her from looking through them at my shortcomings. Smoked glasses, perhaps – and why not? If smoked glasses can be used by mortals gazing at the sun, why may they not be used by me when gazing into those scarcely less glorious orbs of hers?’
Alas for Willis! The fates were against him. A far-off tribe of fates were in league to blast his chances of success forever, and this was how it happened:
Willis had occasion one afternoon to come up town early. At the corner of Broadway and Astor Place he entered a Madison Avenue car, paid his fare, and sat down in one of the corner seats at the rear end of the car. His mind was, as usual, intent upon the glorious Miss Hollister. Surely no one who had once met her could do otherwise than think of her constantly, he reflected; and the reflection made him a bit jealous. What business had others to think of her? Impertinent, grovelling mortals! No man was good enough to do that – no, not even himself. But he could change. He could at least try to be worthy of thinking about her, and he knew of no other man who could. He’d like to catch any one else doing so little as mentioning her name!
‘Impertinent, grovelling mortals!’ he repeated.
And then the car stopped at Seventeenth Street, and who should step on board but Miss Hollister herself!
‘The idea!’ thought Willis. ‘By Jove! there she is – on a horse-car, too! How atrocious! One might as well expect to see Minerva driving in a grocer’s wagon as Miss Hollister in a horse-car. Miserable, untactful world to compel Minerva to ride in a horse-cart, or rather Miss Hollister to ride in a grocer’s car! Absurdest of absurdities!’
Here he raised his hat, for Miss Hollister had bowed sweetly to him as she passed on to the far end of the car, where she stood hanging on to a strap.
‘I wonder why she doesn’t sit down?’ thought Willis; for as he looked about the car he observed that with the exception of the one he occupied all the seats were vacant. In fact, the only persons on board were Miss Hollister, the driver, the conductor, and himself.
‘I think I’ll go speak to her,’ he thought. And then he thought again: ‘No, I’d better not. She saw me when she entered, and if she had wished to speak to me she would have sat down here beside me, or opposite me perhaps. I shall show myself worthy of her by not thrusting my presence upon her. But I wonder why she stands? She looks tired enough.’
Here Miss Hollister indulged in a very singular performance. She bowed her head slightly at some one, apparently on the sidewalk, Willis thought, murmured something, the purport of which Willis could not catch, and sat down in the middle of the seat on the other side of the car, looking very much annoyed – in fact, almost unamiable.
Willis was more mystified than ever; but his mystification was as nothing compared to his anxiety when, on reaching Forty-second Street, Miss Hollister rose, and sweeping by him without a sign of recognition, left the car.
‘Cut, by thunder!’ ejaculated Willis, in consternation. ‘And why, I wonder? Most incomprehensible affair. Can she be a woman of whims – with eyes like those? Never. Impossible. And yet what else can be the matter?’
Try as he might, Willis could not solve the problem. It was utterly past solution as far as he was concerned.
‘I’ll find out, and I’ll find out like a brave man,’ he said, after racking his brains for an hour or two in a vain endeavor to get at the cause of Miss Hollister’s cut. ‘I’ll call upon her to-night and ask her.’
He was true to his first purpose, but not to his second. He called, but he did not ask her, for Miss Hollister did not give him the chance to do so. Upon receiving his card she sent down word that she was out. Two days later, meeting him face to face upon the street, she gazed coldly at him, and cut him once more. Six months later her engagement to a Boston man was announced, and in the autumn following Miss Hollister of New York became Mrs. Barrows of Boston. There were cards, but Willis did not receive one of them. The cut was indeed complete and final. But why? That had now become one of the great problems of Willis’s life. What had he done to be so badly treated?
IIA year passed by, and Willis recovered from the dreadful blow to his hopes, but he often puzzled over Miss Hollister’s singular behavior towards him. He had placed the matter before several of his friends, and, with the exception of one of them, none was more capable of solving his problem than he. This one had heard from his wife, a school friend and intimate acquaintance of Miss Hollister, now Mrs. Barrows, that Willis’s ideal had once expressed herself to the effect that she had admired Willis very much until she had discovered that he was not always as courteous as he should be.
‘Courteous? Not as courteous as I should be?’ retorted Willis. ‘When have I ever been anything else? Why, my dear Bronson,’ he added, ‘you know what my attitude towards womankind – as well as mankind – has always been. If there is a creature in the world whose politeness is his weakness, I am that creature. I’m the most courteous man living. When I play poker in my own rooms I lose money, because I’ve made it a rule never to beat my guests in cards or anything else.’
‘That isn’t politeness,’ said Bronson. ‘That’s idiocy.’
‘It proves my point,’ retorted Willis. ‘I’m polite to the verge of insanity. Not as courteous as I should be! Great Scott! What did I ever do or say to give her that idea?’
‘I don’t know,’ Bronson replied. ‘Better ask her. Maybe you overdid your politeness. Overdone courtesy is often worse than boorishness. You may have been so polite on some occasion that you made Miss Hollister think you considered her an inferior person. You know what the poet insinuated. Sorosis holds no fury like a woman condescended to by a man.’
‘I’ve half a mind to write to Mrs. Barrows and ask her what I did,’ said Willis.
‘That would be lovely,’ said Bronson. ‘Barrows would be pleased.’
‘True. I never thought of that,’ replied Willis.
‘You are not a thoughtful thinker,’ said Bronson, dryly. ‘If I were you I’d bide my time, and some day you may get an explanation. Stranger things have happened; and my wife tells me that the Barrowses are to spend the coming winter in New York. You’ll meet them out somewhere, no doubt.’
‘No; I shall decline to go where they are. No woman shall cut me a second time – not even Mrs. Barrows,’ said Willis, firmly.
‘Good! Stand by your colors,’ said Bronson, with an amused smile.
A week or two later Willis received an invitation from Mr. and Mrs. Bronson to dine with them informally. ‘I have some very clever friends I want you to meet,’ she wrote. ‘So be sure to come.’
Willis went. The clever friends were Mr. and Mrs. Barrows; and, to the surprise of Willis, he was received most effusively by the quondam Miss Hollister.
‘Why, Mr. Willis,’ she said, extending her hand to him. ‘How delightful to see you again!’
‘Thank you,’ said Willis, in some confusion. ‘I – er – I am sure it is a very pleasant surprise for me. I – er – had no idea —’
‘Nor I,’ returned Mrs. Barrows. ‘And really I should have been a little embarrassed, I think, had I known you were to be here. I – ha! ha! – it’s so very absurd that I almost hesitate to speak of it – but I feel I must. I’ve treated you very badly.’
‘Indeed!’ said Willis, with a smile. ‘How, pray?’
‘Well, it wasn’t my fault really,’ returned Mrs. Barrows; ‘but do you remember, a little over a year ago, my riding up-town on a horse-car – a Madison Avenue car – with you?’
‘H’m!’ said Willis, with an affectation of reflection. ‘Let me see; ah – yes – I think I do. We were the only ones on board, I believe, and – ah —’
Here Mrs. Barrows laughed outright. ‘You thought we were the only ones on board, but – we weren’t. The car was crowded,’ she said.
‘Then I don’t remember it,’ said Willis. ‘The only time I ever rode on a horse-car with you to my knowledge was—’
‘I know; this was the occasion,’ interrupted Mrs. Barrows. ‘You sat in a corner at the rear end of the car when I entered, and I was very much put out with you because it remained for a stranger, whom I had often seen and to whom I had, for reasons unknown even to myself, taken a deep aversion, to offer me his seat, and, what is more, compel me to take it.’
‘I don’t understand,’ said Willis. ‘We were alone on the car.’
‘To your eyes we were, although at the time I did not know it. To my eyes when I boarded it the car was occupied by enough people to fill all the seats. You returned my bow as I entered, but did not offer me your seat. The stranger did, and while I tried to decline it, I was unable to do so. He was a man of about my own age, and he had a most remarkable pair of eyes. There was no resisting them. His offer was a command; and as I rode along and thought of your sitting motionless at the end of the car, compelling me to stand, and being indirectly responsible for my acceptance of courtesies from a total and disagreeable stranger, I became so very indignant with you that I passed you without recognition as soon as I could summon up courage to leave. I could not understand why you, who had seemed to me to be the soul of politeness, should upon this occasion have failed to do not what I should exact from any man, but what I had reason to expect of you.’
‘But, Mrs. Barrows,’ remonstrated Willis, ‘why should I give up a seat to a lady when there were twenty other seats unoccupied on the same car?’
‘There is no reason in the world why you should,’ replied Mrs. Barrows. ‘But it was not until last winter that I discovered the trick that had been put upon us.’
‘Ah?’ said Willis. ‘Trick?’
‘Yes,’ said Mrs. Barrows. ‘It was a trick. The car was empty to your eyes, but crowded to mine with the astral bodies of the members of the Boston Theosophical Society.’
‘Wha-a-at?’ roared Willis.
‘It is just as I have said,’ replied Mrs. Barrows, with a silvery laugh. ‘They are all great friends of my husband’s, and one night last winter he dined them at our house, and who do you suppose walked in first?’
‘Madame Blavatsky’s ghost?’ suggested Willis, with a grin.
‘Not quite,’ returned Mrs. Barrows. ‘But the horrible stranger of the horse-car; and, do you know, he recalled the whole thing to my mind, assuring me that he and the others had projected their astral bodies over to New York for a week, and had a magnificent time unperceived by all save myself, who was unconsciously psychic, and so able to perceive them in their invisible forms.’
‘It was a mean trick on me, Mrs. Barrows,’ said Willis, ruefully, as soon as he had recovered sufficiently from his surprise to speak.
‘Oh no,’ she replied, with a repetition of her charming laugh, which rearoused in Willis’s breast all the regrets of a lost cause. ‘They didn’t intend it especially for you, anyhow.’
‘Well,’ said Willis, ‘I think they did. They were friends of your husband’s, and they wanted to ruin me.’
‘Ruin you? And why should the friends of Mr. Barrows have wished to do that?’ asked Mrs. Barrows, in astonishment.
‘Because,’ began Willis, slowly and softly – ‘because they probably knew that from the moment I met you, I – But that is a story with a disagreeable climax, Mrs. Barrows, so I shall not tell it. How do you like Boston?’
The Ghost ClubAn unfortunate episode in the life of No. 5010
Number 5010 was at the time when I received the details of this story from his lips a stalwart man of thirty-eight, swart of hue, of pleasing address, and altogether the last person one would take for a convict serving a term for sneak-thieving. The only outer symptoms of his actual condition were the striped suit he wore, the style and cut of which are still in vogue at Sing Sing prison, and the closely cropped hair, which showed off the distinctly intellectual lines of his head to great advantage. He was engaged in making shoes when I first saw him, and so impressed was I with the contrast between his really refined features and grace of manner and those of his brutish-looking companions, that I asked my guide who he was, and what were the circumstances which had brought him to Sing Sing.
‘He pegs shoes like a gentleman,’ I said.
‘Yes,’ returned the keeper. ‘He’s werry troublesome that way. He thinks he’s too good for his position. We can’t never do nothing with the boots he makes.’
‘Why do you keep him at work in the shoe department?’ I queried.
‘We haven’t got no work to be done in his special line, so we have to put him at whatever we can. He pegs shoes less badly than he does anything else.’
‘What was his special line?’
‘He was a gentleman of leisure travellin’ for his health afore he got into the toils o’ the law. His real name is Marmaduke Fitztappington De Wolfe, of Pelhamhurst-by-the-Sea, Warwickshire. He landed in this country of a Tuesday, took to collectin’ souvenir spoons of a Friday, was jugged the same day, tried, convicted, and there he sets. In for two years more.’
‘How interesting!’ I said. ‘Was the evidence against him conclusive?’
‘Extremely. A half-dozen spoons was found on his person.’
‘He pleaded guilty, I suppose?’
‘Not him. He claimed to be as innocent as a new-born babe. Told a cock-and-bull story about havin’ been deluded by spirits, but the judge and jury wasn’t to be fooled. They gave him every chance, too. He even cabled himself, the judge did, to Pelhamhurst-by-the-Sea, Warwickshire, at his own expense, to see if the man was an impostor, but he never got no reply. There was them as said there wasn’t no such place as Pelhamhurst-by-the-Sea in Warwickshire, but they never proved it.’
‘I should like very much to interview him,’ said I.
‘It can’t be done, sir,’ said my guide. ‘The rules is very strict.’
‘You couldn’t er – arrange an interview for me,’ I asked, jingling a bunch of keys in my pocket.
He must have recognized the sound, for he colored and gruffly replied, ‘I has me orders, and I obeys ‘em.’
‘Just – er – add this to the pension fund,’ I put in, handing him a five-dollar bill. ‘An interview is impossible, eh?’
‘I didn’t say impossible,’ he answered, with a grateful smile. ‘I said against the rules, but we has been known to make exceptions. I think I can fix you up.’
Suffice it to say that he did ‘fix me up,’ and that two hours later 5010 and I sat down together in the cell of the former, a not too commodious stall, and had a pleasant chat, in the course of which he told me the story of his life, which, as I had surmised, was to me, at least, exceedingly interesting, and easily worth twice the amount of my contribution to the pension fund under the management of my guide of the morning.
‘My real name,’ said the unfortunate convict, ‘as you may already have guessed, is not 5010. That is an alias forced upon me by the State authorities. My name is really Austin Merton Surrennes.’
‘Ahem!’ I said. ‘Then my guide erred this morning when he told me that in reality you were Marmaduke Fitztappington De Wolfe, of Pelhamhurst-by-the-Sea, Warwickshire?’
Number 5010 laughed long and loud. ‘Of course he erred. You don’t suppose that I would give the authorities my real name, do you? Why, man, I am a nephew! I have an aged uncle – a rich millionaire uncle – whose heart and will it would break were he to hear of my present plight. Both the heart and will are in my favor, hence my tender solicitude for him. I am innocent, of course – convicts always are, you know – but that wouldn’t make any difference. He’d die of mortification just the same. It’s one of our family traits, that. So I gave a false name to the authorities, and secretly informed my uncle that I was about to set out for a walking trip across the great American desert, requesting him not to worry if he did not hear from me for a number of years, America being in a state of semi-civilization, to which mails outside of certain districts are entirely unknown. My uncle being an Englishman and a conservative gentleman, addicted more to reading than to travel, accepts the information as veracious and suspects nothing, and when I am liberated I shall return to him, and at his death shall become a conservative man of wealth myself. See?’
‘But if you are innocent and he rich and influential, why did you not appeal to him to save you?’ I asked.
‘Because I was afraid that he, like the rest of the world, would decline to believe my defence,’ sighed 5010. ‘It was a good defence, if the judge had only known it, and I’m proud of it.’
‘But ineffectual,’ I put in. ‘And so, not good.’
‘Alas, yes! This is an incredulous age. People, particularly judges, are hard-headed practical men of affairs. My defence was suited more for an age of mystical tendencies. Why, will you believe it, sir, my own lawyer, the man to whom I paid eighteen dollars and seventy-five cents for championing my cause, told me the defence was rubbish, devoid even of literary merit. What chance could a man have if his lawyer even didn’t believe in him?’
‘None,’ I answered, sadly. ‘And you had no chance at all, though innocent?’
‘Yes, I had one, and I chose not to take it. I might have proved myself non compos mentis; but that involved my making a fool of myself in public before a jury, and I have too much dignity for that, I can tell you. I told my lawyer that I should prefer a felon’s cell to the richly furnished flat of a wealthy lunatic, to which he replied, ‘Then all is lost!’ And so it was. I read my defence in court. The judge laughed, the jury whispered, and I was convicted instanter of stealing spoons, when murder itself was no further from my thoughts than theft.’
‘But they tell me you were caught red-handed,’ said I. ‘Were not a half-dozen spoons found upon your person?’
‘In my hand,’ returned the prisoner. ‘The spoons were in my hand when I was arrested, and they were seen there by the owner, by the police, and by the usual crowd of small boys that congregate at such embarrassing moments, springing up out of sidewalks, dropping down from the heavens, swarming in from everywhere. I had no idea there were so many small boys in the world until I was arrested, and found myself the cynosure of a million or more innocent blue eyes.’
‘Were they all blue-eyed?’ I queried, thinking the point interesting from a scientific point of view, hoping to discover that curiosity of a morbid character was always found in connection with eyes of a specified hue.
‘Oh no; I fancy not,’ returned my host. ‘But to a man with a load of another fellow’s spoons in his possession, and a pair of handcuffs on his wrists, everything looks blue.’
‘I don’t doubt it,’ I replied. ‘But – er – just how, now, could you defend yourself when every bit of evidence, and – you will excuse me for saying so – conclusive evidence at that, pointed to your guilt?’
‘The spoons were a gift,’ he answered.
‘But the owner denied that.’
‘I know it; that’s where the beastly part of it all came in. They were not given to me by the owner, but by a lot of mean, low-down, practical-joke-loving ghosts.’
Number 5010’s anger as he spoke these words was terrible to witness, and as he strode up and down the floor of his cell and dashed his arms right and left, I wished for a moment that I was elsewhere. I should not have flown, however, even had the cell door been open and my way clear, for his suggestion of a supernatural agency in connection with his crime whetted my curiosity until it was more keen than ever, and I made up my mind to hear the story to the end, if I had to commit a crime and get myself sentenced to confinement in that prison for life to do so.
Fortunately, extreme measures of this nature were unnecessary, for after a few moments Surrennes calmed down, and seating himself beside me on the cot, drained his water-pitcher to the dregs, and began.
‘Excuse me for not offering you a drink,’ he said, ‘but the wine they serve here while moist is hardly what a connoisseur would choose except for bathing purposes, and I compliment you by assuming that you do not wish to taste it.’
‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘I do not like to take water straight, exactly. I always dilute it, in fact, with a little of this.’
Here I extracted a small flask from my pocket and handed it to him.
‘Ah!’ he said, smacking his lips as he took a long pull at its contents, ‘that puts spirit into a man.’
‘Yes, it does,’ I replied, ruefully, as I noted that he had left me very little but the flask; ‘but I don’t think it was necessary for you to deprive me of all mine.’
‘No; that is, you can’t appreciate the necessity unless you – er – you have suffered in your life as I am suffering. You were never sent up yourself?’
I gave him a glance which was all indignation. ‘I guess not,’ I said. ‘I have led a life that is above reproach.’
‘Good!’ he replied. ‘And what a satisfaction that is, eh? I don’t believe I’d be able to stand this jail life if it wasn’t for my conscience, which is as clear and clean as it would be if I’d never used it.’
‘Would you mind telling me what your defence was?’ I asked.
‘Certainly not,’ said he, cheerfully. ‘I’d be very glad to give it to you. But you must remember one thing – it is copyrighted.’
‘Fire ahead!’ I said, with a smile. ‘I’ll respect your copyright. I’ll give you a royalty on what I get for the story.’
‘Very good,’ he answered. ‘It was like this. To begin, I must tell you that when I was a boy preparing for college I had for a chum a brilliant fun-loving fellow named Hawley Hicks, concerning whose future various prophecies had been made. His mother often asserted that he would be a great poet; his father thought he was born to be a great general; our head-master at the Scarberry Institute for Young Gentlemen prophesied the gallows. They were all wrong; though, for myself, I think that if he had lived long enough almost any one of the prophecies might have come true. The trouble was that Hawley died at the age of twenty-three. Fifteen years elapsed. I was graduated with high honors at Brazenose, lived a life of elegant leisure, and at the age of thirty-seven broke down in health. That was about a year ago. My uncle, whose heir and constant companion I was, gave me a liberal allowance, and sent me off to travel. I came to America, landed in New York early in September, and set about winning back the color which had departed from my cheeks by an assiduous devotion to such pleasures as New York affords. Two days after my arrival, I set out for an airing at Coney Island, leaving my hotel at four in the afternoon. On my way down Broadway I was suddenly startled at hearing my name spoken from behind me, and appalled, on turning, to see standing with outstretched hands no less a person than my defunct chum, Hawley Hicks.’
‘Impossible,’ said I.
‘Exactly my remark,’ returned Number 5010. ‘To which I added, “Hawley Hicks, it can’t be you”!’
‘“But it is me,” he replied.
‘And then I was convinced, for Hawley never was good on his grammar. I looked at him a minute, and then I said, “But, Hawley, I thought you were dead.”
‘“I am,” he answered. “But why should a little thing like that stand between friends?”
‘“It shouldn’t, Hawley,” I answered, meekly; “but it’s condemnedly unusual, you know, for a man to associate even with his best friends fifteen years after they’ve died and been buried.”
‘“Do you mean to say, Austin, that just because I was weak enough once to succumb to a bad cold, you, the dearest friend of my youth, the closest companion of my school-days, the partner of my childish joys, intend to go back on me here in a strange city?”
‘“Hawley,” I answered, huskily, “not a bit of it. My letter of credit, my room at the hotel, my dress suit, even my ticket to Coney Island, are at your disposal; but I think the partner of your childish joys ought first to be let in on the ground-floor of this enterprise, and informed how the deuce you manage to turn up in New York fifteen years subsequent to your obsequies. Is New York the hereafter for boys of your kind, or is this some freak of my imagination?”’
‘That was an eminently proper question,’ I put in, just to show that while the story I was hearing terrified me, I was not altogether speechless.
‘It was, indeed,’ said 5010; ‘and Hawley recognized it as such, for he replied at once.
‘“Neither,” said he. “Your imagination is all right, and New York is neither heaven nor the other place. The fact is, I’m spooking, and I can tell you, Austin, it’s just about the finest kind of work there is. If you could manage to shuffle off your mortal coil and get in with a lot of ghosts, the way I have, you’d be playing in great luck.”
‘“Thanks for the hint, Hawley,” I said, with a grateful smile; “but, to tell you the truth, I do not find that life is entirely bad. I get my three meals a day, keep my pocket full of coin, and sleep eight hours every night on a couch that couldn’t be more desirable if it were studded with jewels and had mineral springs.”
‘“That’s your mortal ignorance, Austin,” he retorted. “I lived long enough to appreciate the necessity of being ignorant, but your style of existence is really not to be mentioned in the same cycle with mine. You talk about three meals a day, as if that were an ideal; you forget that with the eating your labor is just begun; those meals have to be digested, every one of ’em, and if you could only understand it, it would appall you to see what a fearful wear and tear that act of digestion is. In my life you are feasting all the time, but with no need for digestion. You speak of money in your pockets; well, I have none, yet am I the richer of the two. I don’t need money. The world is mine. If I chose to I could pour the contents of that jeweller’s window into your lap in five seconds, but cui bono? The gems delight my eye quite as well where they are; and as for travel, Austin, of which you have always been fond, the spectral method beats all. Just watch me!”
‘I watched him as well as I could for a minute,’ said 5010; ‘and then he disappeared. In another minute he was before me again.
‘“Well,” I said, “I suppose you’ve been around the block in that time, eh?”
‘He roared with laughter. “Around the block?” he ejaculated. “I have done the Continent of Europe, taken a run through China, haunted the Emperor of Japan, and sailed around the Horn since I left you a minute ago.”
‘He was a truthful boy in spite of his peculiarities, Hawley was,’ said Surrennes, quietly, ‘so I had to believe what he said. He abhorred lies.’
‘That was pretty fast travelling, though,’ said I. ‘He’d make a fine messenger-boy.’
‘That’s so. I wish I’d suggested it to him,’ smiled my host. ‘But I can tell you, sir, I was astonished. “Hawley,” I said, “you always were a fast youth, but I never thought you would develop into this. I wonder you’re not out of breath after such a journey.”
‘“Another point, my dear Austin, in favor of my mode of existence. We spooks have no breath to begin with. Consequently, to get out of it is no deprivation. But, I say,” he added, “whither are you bound?”
‘“To Coney Island to see the sights,” I replied. “Won’t you join me?”
‘“Not I,” he replied. “Coney Island is tame. When I first joined the spectre band, it seemed to me that nothing could delight me more than an eternal round of gayety like that; but, Austin, I have changed. I have developed a good deal since you and I were parted at the grave.”
‘“I should say you had,” I answered. “I doubt if many of your old friends would know you.”
‘“You seem to have had difficulty in so doing yourself, Austin,” he replied, regretfully; “but see here, old chap, give up Coney Island, and spend the evening with me at the club. You’ll have a good time, I can assure you.”
‘“The club?” I said. “You don’t mean to say you visions have a club?”
‘“I do indeed; the Ghost Club is the most flourishing association of choice spirits in the world. We have rooms in every city in creation; and the finest part of it is there are no dues to be paid. The membership list holds some of the finest names in history – Shakespeare, Milton, Chaucer, Napoleon Bonaparte, Caesar, George Washington, Mozart, Frederick the Great, Marc Antony – Cassius was black-balled on Caesar’s account – Galileo, Confucius.”
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Смешные английские шутки с переводом
| На нашем сайте собраны английские шутки с переводом. Читаем, улыбаемся, а может даже и смеемся! |
Taking a walk in a park a colonel of a rather gloomy disposition saw a lieutenant of his regiment in civilian clothes with a young lady. Having noticed the colonel from a distance, the lieutenant hid himself behind a tree.The next day the colonel asked:— Why did I see you yesterday evening in the park in civilian clothes?— Because the tree was not thick enough, Sir, — answered the lieutenant.
Прогуливаясь в парке, один суровый полковник увидел лейтенанта своего полка в гражданской одежде с молодой особой. Издали заметив полковника, лейтенант спрятался за дерево.На следующий день полковник спрашивает:— Почему я видел вас вчера вечером в парке в штатском?— Потому, что дерево было недостаточно толстым, сэр, — ответил лейтенант.
Student: Brain is like Bermuda triangle – information goes in and then it is never found again.
Студент: Мозги как Бермудский треугольник – информация в него попадает и больше никогда не находится.
Why did you leave your last job?The company relocated and they didn’t tell me where.
Почему вы оставили предыдущее место работы?Компания переехала и не сообщила мне куда.
Once a young man went shopping and bought himself a pair of trousers. When he got home, he went to his bedroom and tried them on. He found they were far too long.He went downstairs where his mother and his two sisters were waiting for dinner. «The new trousers are too long? — he said. — They need shortening. Would any of you be so kind and do it for me, please?»As soon as dinner was over and his mother had shortened the trousers to the same size as his old ones. It happened that she did not mention about it to her daughters.Later on? the elder sister remembered her brother’s request. She was a kind-hearted person and wanted to do him a favour, so she considerably shortened the trousers.- Because the tree was not thick enough, Sir, — answered the lieutenant.Returning home from the cinema, the younger sister suddenly remembered what her brother asked them. So she hurried upstairs and cut a piece off each leg of the new trousers.
Однажды молодой человек отправился по магазинам и купил себе брюки. Придя домой, он поднялся в свою комнату и примерил их. И увидел, что они слишком длинны для него.Спустившись в столовую, где его ждали к обеду мать и две сестры, он сказал: «Мои новые брюки слишком длинны. Их надо укоротить. Не сделает ли это кто-нибудь из вас? Я буду очень благодарен.»Как только обед кончился, мать вымыла посуду, пошла в комнату сына и укоротила брюки по длине ношеных. Случилось так, что она об этом дочерям ничего не сказала.Немного позже старшая сестра вспомнила просьбу брата. Она была добросердечной девушкой, хотела оказать любезность брату и основательно укоротила брюки.Вернувшись из кино, младшая сестра вдруг вспомнила просьбу брата. Она поторопилась подняться в его комнату и отрезала по большому куску от каждой штанины новых брюк.
Teacher: I killed a person. Convert this sentence into future tense.Student: You will go to jail.
Учитель: Я убил человека. Переделай это предложение в будущее время.Студент: Ты пойдёшь в тюрьму.
An energetic American tourist had come to visit the Warwick Castle in England. When the doorkeeper made his appearance, the American was studying his guide-book.— Tell me, — the American said to the caretaker, — have you that famous vase still here? (shows its photo in the guide-book).— Yes, sir, — was the reply.— And the table that costs 10.000 dollars?— Yes, sir.— And have you still that portrait of Charles I by Vandyck?— Oh yes, sir, — said the doorkeeper, — they are all here. Won’t you come in and see them?— No, I won’t, I have no time to lose, — replied the visitor. — As they are here right enough and I have seen them in my guide-book I can go on visiting other castles and museums. Good morning — and he hurried away.
Однажды во дворец Варвик в Англии явился энергичный американский турист. Когда привратник подошел к нему, американец изучал свой путеводитель.— Скажите мне, — обратился американец к привратнику, — эта знаменитая ваза (показывает ее фотографию в путеводителе) все еще здесь?— Да, сэр, — был ответ.— А стол, который стоит десять тысяч долларов?— Да, сэр.— А портрет Карла Первого работы Ван-Дейка тоже еще здесь?— О да, сэр, — сказал привратник, — все они здесь. Не зайдете ли вы на них посмотреть?— Нет, не зайду. Я не могу терять времени, — ответил посетитель. — Поскольку все они на месте и я их видел в своем путеводителе, я могу продолжить посещения других дворцов и музеев. До свидания. И он поспешил уйти.
Wife: If a Monster was my husband, I would have been much happier with him than with you…Man: But marriages are not allowed in same blood relation!
Жена: если бы я вышла замуж за монстра, мне было бы с ним намного лучше, чем с тобой…Муж: но браки по кровному родству не разрешены.
A man placed an advertisement «Wife wanted». The next day he received hundreds of replies, all saying «You can have mine».
Мужчина поместил объявление «Ищу жену». На следующий день он получил сотни ответом, в которых было сказано «Забери мою».
Men go shopping to find what they want… Women go shopping to find out what they want.
Мужчины идут за покупками, чтобы найти то, что им нужно. Женщины ходят за покупками чтобы понять, что им нужно.
— Hi sweetie! How was school today?— You can read all about it on my facebook, dad!
— Привет, дорогая! Как прошёл день в школе?— Папа, ты можешь прочитать обо всём на моей страничке в фейсбуке.
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